Why Each of the 8 Best Picture Nominees Should Win

Once again, Oscar season... blah blah blah. This is the counter-article to my own article. I'm fair and balanced. I guess this scenario comes about because after realizing how old, white, and male the Oscar voters are, they decided to let the PTA of McKinley Elementary School in Akron Ohio decide who won. Why? That I couldn't tell you. The important part is every movie get's to go home with their own participation Oscar. Here's why they all deserve it, this time in order of my own personal preference.

1. The Martian

The Martian is in my opinion the most well-rounded of all the nominees. It's action packed, well-written, and Matt Damon gives his best performance since Good Will Hunting. Technically, we're talking sound-editing and visual effects, it's impressive. Ridley Scott must have saved the rat's ass he would have used on Exodus, so he could give two rat asses on this one.

Some people say the movie has "too much science". To those people, I say... well I don't say anything. I make a farting noise with my tongue. This is a movie about astronauts, there's going to be science. I'm no astrophysicist, but I understood what was happening well enough not to be lost. If anything, the movie deserves credit for having so much science! SCIENCE.

2. Room

It was tough to pick between the top three. The Martian got to be number one because it's in space. Space is cool. Speaking of space, you know what else is cool? Confined space. Telling a story in an isolated location. It forces a writer to focus on character, and character relationships; not just to each other, but to the spaces they occupy. Whoa, #deep.

Let me explain with Die Hard. Die Hard is awesome for a lot of reasons, but one of them is the confined space. If John McClane could've just bailed and came back with a military chopper, the movie wouldn't have been as interesting. Plenty of other movies benefit from this (Saw, Birdman, 127 Hours) but Room treats it's isolated space as a character. Couple that with two other outstanding characters, and Room is my second favorite movie with "Room" in the title. (For the record, "The Room" was snubbed in all categories in 2004)

3. The Big Short

If the acting block is the biggest block in the Academy, then of course the Big Short won; it had the most actors in it by far. Ryan Gosling, Steve Carell, Christian Bale, The Rich Kid from Season 4 of American Horror Story; this movie had everyone! The best part is, nobody comes off as the weak link. Everyone is as committed to their role as the guy next to them, including Brad Pitt reprising his role from 12 Years a Slave as "The Nicest White Guy Ever Who Is Years Ahead in Terms of Perspective in a Movie Produced by Brad Pitt". Man, how does he keep getting those roles?

Beyond that, The Big Short deserves a lot of credit for seamlessly blending narrative and documentary elements in order to make a very complicated story feel very accessible. It was simultaneously a movie for the thinking man, and the common man, which given its subject matter is very important. Director Adam McKay clearly wants people walking out of this movie pissed off, and not because they didn't know what was happening. As far as effective cinema goes, clearly The Big Short is the biggest on a short list.

4. Mad Max: Fury Road

You use the internet. That's why you're here. You know why people like Mad Max. What could I possibly say that hasn't been said? It's a feminist movie. They did their own stunts. They held a VFX artist hostage and performed Chinese water torture on him while forcing him to watch them use practical effects. You know this, and I'm not arguing. Mad Max: Fury Road is a great movie.

Which is why it HAS to win. Can you imagine how disgruntled everyone will be if it doesn't? Forget people saying Pulp Fiction lost to Forrest Gump, and Shawshank lost to Forrest Gump, or D2: The Mighty Ducks 2 lost to Forrest Gump. People will hate whatever movie beats Mad Max. They'll throw bonfires using it's Blu-Rays as kindling. They'll demand it gets a sequel, and then never see it, making the studio go "whaaaaat?". Please Academy, for all our sakes, just let Mad Max win. I don't want to see The Revenant 2: Leo Eats Dirt For Three Hours.

5. Spotlight

This is the "important one". The Academy loves the "important one". Lot's of former nominees/winners doing a media thing to stop a major bummer from happening. Usually it's just one or two of those ingredients, but this one's got the hat trick. It helps, of course, that the movie is really good. As each revelation pops up, the whole story feels like it shifts, and everyone feels it. But that's not why Spotlight should win.

Director Tom McCarthy made another movie last year. A movie with Adam Sandler. A movie called: The Cobbler. Holy macaroni this was a stinker. This stinker stank up an otherwise immaculate record for young director Tom McCarthy, but I'm worried that more might follow if he's not given proper encouragement. As a Best Picture winner, Tom would be pushed to hang out with a nicer crowd that has never heard the words "Happy Madison Productions". Do it for Tom.

6. Bridge of Spies (Not)

I really should've called this 7 Best Picture Nominees should win. This isn't a bad movie, I put it higher than two others, but it really shouldn't win. Everyone involved with this movie should feel pushed to deliver something more interesting than this. Sorry.

7. The Revenant

Ok, yes. I didn't really like this one. I thought I did, walking out of the theater, but as I drove home, tired and ready for bed, I noticed it was 8:00PM. Then I realized that 6 hour movie I thought I watched was only 2 and a half hours. Every complaint in Wednesday's article (Click HERE) was something I truly believed and I really will be disappointed when this one wins.

And it will. Like, it really, probably, no-joking, will win. For a few reasons, but the simplest is that I didn't care for it. Those movies are typically the ones that win. They all move at a snail's pace, but feature stellar cinematography. They really dive into what it means to be sad/angry but I don't care about someone who never smiles. All of these things, for some reason, tickle the Academy in a way that I don't like to think about. You'll probably get a full article on Monday (click here!)

8. Brooklyn

By default, Brooklyn has to be my last movie, because as I admitted previously, I didn't see it. This is exactly the reason it should win. Every other movie on this list (save for maybe Room) got the benefit of a big star, a big marketing campaign, and a big studio helping to push it into everyone's face. Brooklyn did not.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the Academy Award for Best Picture went to a movie that nobody saw? A movie that wasn't some gimmick, or statement about the film industry, but just a really solid, enjoyable movie? They could re release it into theaters, marketing it as "The Best Picture Winner- Seriously, it's Just Good!" And maybe people would see it!

The biggest problem with the Academy has been brought into public view for the second year in a row. #Oscarssowhite points out the lack of diversity in the Academy. One of the biggest reasons for this is that they aren't adding new chairs at the table. It's political nature results in the same people being nominated every year, making the same kind of movies, and patting each other on the back.

I know Brooklyn is still super white. The cast is white, the director is white, the bread for the craft service sandwiches was probably white, but at least they're new. To call it a step in the right direction might be giving it too much credit. There's not a movie that could win that would constitute a step. So let's call Brooklyn's historic win a glance in the right direction. It's not a change, but at least it's looking somewhere else for the first time.