4 Mind Blowing Theories About 4 New Trailers

Trailers are the best. A good trailer leaves the viewer hungry for more, desperately searching for one more morsel of delicious info about a movie they absolutely do not want spoilers for. Remember how pumped everyone was when Doomsday was rumored for Batman v. Superman, then how pissed everyone was when they put him in the trailer? Fans are weird. But the best part about trailers (at least from a budding film blogs perspective) is without a doubt the speculation. So I have theories about four of the six trailers we've gotten in the past week. Here they are in descending order of craziness.

Doctor Strange Will be the MCU's "Who Cares" Button

That Doctor Strange trailer though... reactions ranged online from "It's The Matrix meets Inception! :D" to "it's just The Matrix meets Inception... :/" to "Marvel movies suck, and Marvel fanboys blindly hate DC. I hate Marvel, DC is better." However, most reactions seemed to be positive. Really, how could they not? Benedict Cumberbatch looks really good wearing a cape and slowly walking up stairs. I've heard in the movie, you actually see him from the front too. Should be cool.

But that's not my theory. Rather, my theory is that Doctor Strange will be used to bring some strange things into the MCU. Get it? Strange? Seriously though, Strange is one of the most insanely powerful members of the Marvel universe and it looks like the film adaptation has no plans to tone him down. In fact, they even mention parallel realities in the trailer, which means it's pretty much a Cole Porter musical: Anything Goes.

Specifically, I'm guessing Dr. Strange will be used as a "who cares" button in the MCU. What does that mean? Let's do an example: Marvel wants Spider-Gwen and Spider-Man to crossover, but Gwen Stacy is dead in the MCU. Well Dr. Strange goes to parallel reality, picks her up, the movie is fun, and who cares? My only worry is that they might get trigger happy with the button, and it becomes a way to make sure nobody dies... kind of like they already don't.

Angry Birds Will Make Children Xenophobic

Going from Dr. Strange to Angry Birds is sort of like going from a nice steak to... I don't know... a food you don't really care about in any way, shape, or form? But still, there was a new trailer, and I watched it, if only to fill the emptiness in my soul that will never truly be satisfied. However, while I was watching it, I noticed something weird.

First time through, it seems that the protagonist Red (who is a red bird) is constantly mocked for his anger. But by the end of the movie (or at least the trailer) his anger seems justified and I guess the lesson is that anger is a good thing. I think that might be a little bit of a bad message to teach a child, but it actually gets worse. Like much worse.

So what is Red angry about mostly? Immigrants. The Pigs come from a far away land over the sea, and land on Bird Island. I assume it's called Bird Island because the main character is named Red because he's red. Everyone is nice to the Pigs, and thinks they're really great, except Red who just doesn't trust them... for some reason. That reason is that they're immigrants. Cool. But the worst part of the trailer (and probably the movie) is that it totally justifies the protagonists fear of immigrants. They steal the eggs, run away, and prepare to eat them. So far, the pitch is: Protagonist is angry about immigrants, natives trust immigrants, immigrants try to eat natives babies. And they all learn the lesson at the end, that the inherently angry guy who hates immigrants was always right. Make Bird Island great again.

Suicide Squad Explains why the DCEU is Such a Bummer

Holy cats, if this one is true... well then it's actually stupid. After the last trailer for Suicide Squad dropped, two things happened: People made GIFS of Harley Quinn getting dressed, and people pointed out that the Joker looks like the Joker from that specific Batman story, specifically the one with the Joker. Was that not specific enough? Sorry, I'm just kidding. The story is Endgame, in which the Joker infects the Justice League and Batman has to fight them and he wins because he's Batman. That's not important. What is important is the Joker's other plan; covering Gotham in a gas that turns you into the Joker if you laugh.

This perfectly explains why the DCEU is such a constant bummer, if it's not, everyone will turn into the Joker, and kill each other. So the reason that's been given for Joker's "grill" (metal teeth) is that Batman has punched him in the face so often he doesn't have teeth left. One might argue that if this is a Batman that will kill upwards of 20 people setting up a plan to kill one very powerful guy, why didn't he kill the Joker? That would be stupid nitpicking from a Marvel fanboy. Irrelevant. But that means that the Joker has been doing this whole "maniacal villain" shtick for awhile. Meaning that one of his dastardly plans could have been the Endgame nobody-laughs plan, but instead of just Gotham, he hit the whole world.

"But Phil," you say ineffectually at your screen, "wouldn't Batman have came up with a fix?" Glad you asked. One: not every disease has a cure. Two: Batman is as much of a sociopath as the Joker. With billions of dollars at his disposal, he has no interest in helping the people of Gotham with institutional reforms that could prevent crime. Instead, he wants to punch people, because he needs to be the hero. Not for Gotham. For himself. Batman is very good at not laughing, and if he isn't considering the needs of others, this whole "the world can't ever laugh problem" isn't a problem.

Literally, two people laugh in Man of Steel and Batman v. Superman. Kevin Costner gives a little half-scoff before telling kid-Superman that he's still his son. This happened in the past, before Joker made laughing dangerous. The other person who laughs is Lex Luthor. Luthor is cracking up all over Batman v. Superman, and has no other motivation for hating Superman, Batman or Metropolis. People have been saying "Ugh, Jesse Eisenberg is just playing the Joker" but what if he literally was? Because Luthor couldn't contain his laughter, he went Joker-crazy, and had to kill everything he loved. Like I said, if it's true, it's stupid. But stupid is a step up from inexplicable.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will get a Fifth Member

In the latest trailer for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, we learned that the ooze can turn men into Rhino-men, and turn Turtles into humans. It would seem that this is to set up a conflict similar to Rogue's in X-men: The Last (haha) Stand, figuring out if it's better to fit in, or be different. But that's all a clever misdirection. Turtles aren't turning into humans, humans are turning into turtles.

Looking at Michael Bay's Transformers formula, three things are clear: the movie will be worse, it will feature obscure characters to satisfy the fanboys, and something is going to have human anatomy, even though it makes no sense, and is kind of gross to think about. These all point to one character: Venus de Milo a.k.a. the 5th turtle, a.k.a. the one that has breasts. So who turns into Venus? Obviously, April O'Neil a.k.a. Megan Fox a.k.a.... you get it.

They could even use this to fix the biggest problem with the first movie, namely too much Megan Fox. Or to put it in studio executive terms: Fix the Turtles by turning the Fox into a foxy turtle. They've set it up in the story... kind of. You know how Michelangelo had a creepy obsession with April, that suggested a turtle-human re

lationship? That's not even exclusive to the newest movie, previous Michelangelo's have brought it up as well. It's really gross, and fills my head with images that should be reserved for a Lovecraftian nightmares. This is how they solve that problem.

Oh, but what about Casey Jones? Isn't Casey the de facto love interest of April? Once again: misdirection. We're meant to wonder, much like Michelangelo, if they're a thing or something. Then, in Act 3, April gets dropped into the ooze, and everyone's like "oh no not April, she was so developed as a character....". Later, when the Turtles are all but defeated, April (now Venus) jumps from the vat and saves the day while the enemies are distracted by a reptile that can nurse it's young... for some reason.