Jeff Goldblum Will Play _______ in Spider-man... Probably

This week seems to be abuzz about superhero movie casting. By "abuzz" I of course mean three total stories. Still, that's a lot. Firstly, there's Willem Dafoe joining the Justice League cast, but I'm almost entirely indifferent to that. That is, until they shove Zack Snyder off the project and replace him with one of my suggestions. That movie is going to be just as bad as Batman v. Superman, maybe worse. So big Willem Styles is playing Vandal Savage. Maybe. I don't care.

But you know what I do care about? Jeff Goldblum. Part nerd, part heartthrob, occasionally part fly, Jeff Goldblum is equal parts charisma and awkward. There's a real duality to him, something indefinable unless you count calling it indefinable as a definition, in which case nothing is indefinable, and you enter a circle of logic that only Goldblum could understand. Oh also, he's probably going to be in a superhero movie. And I have a pretty good guess as to which one.

Michael Keaton was going to be the Spider-man villain, and the Internet lost their collective minds... until yesterday, when it was announced that wasn't going to happen. Then today, rumors circulate of Jeff Goldblum showing up in a superhero movie. Curious. Especially because Keaton and Goldblum are only a year apart in age, and are both known for playing eccentric characters.

So which villain would Goldblum play? That's the tricky part. Spider-man has unarguably the best gallery of villains in the Marvel universe, and like half of them are old, white guys. Green Goblin, Doctor Octopus, The Vulture, Mysterio, and Kraven the Hunter, all old, all white, all guys. I hope, and would say it's pretty safe to wager, Marvel doesn't want to duplicate any villain that's been done before, in some cases twice. So I think Doc Ock and Goblin are out.

Which leaves us with The Vulture, Mysterio, and Kraven. Everyone was clamoring for a Vulture movie when Keaton was the presumptive player, but I think a lot of that was just because Keaton was Birdman, so it'd be funny if he played a guy in a bird costume. Vulture, for those unfamiliar, is essentially The Falcon but evil. The Falcon, for those of you who saw Winter Soldier but forgot about that guy who flew with wings, was the guy in Winter Soldier who flew with wings. Considering he was selected as "the Avenger even Ant Man could beat", I don't think Vulture is a big enough threat for Spider-man's first foray into the MCU.

So now we've got Mysterio and Kraven left. Kraven, for those unfamiliar, is a hunter who drank a magic potion that puts him slightly above Captain America in terms of strength, stamina, and skill. His motivation to kill Spider-man is that he sees Peter as the ultimate hunt, the truest test of his skills. The most notable story ends with Kraven killing Spider-man, then taking over for him. Of course Spider-man doesn't really die, and comes back a few days later. The problem with Goldblum as Kraven is Goldblum's rather wiry frame. If Kraven is supposed to be stronger than Captain America, it follows that he should be greater than or equal to him in terms of size.

So finally, we land on Mysterio, the perfect Jeff Goldblum, Spider-man villain role. Mysterio is a classic comic book villain archetype that we rarely get to see on screen, specifically the kind that makes the hero (and thus the audience) feel like they're on drugs. Marvel seems to have taken an interest in the "far out" as of late, with Ant Man's kaleidoscope finale, and Dr. Strange's Inception trailer, so following this logical progression Spider-man will sync up to a Pink Floyd album, (Wish You Were Here probably) and make just as much sense in reverse. Who better to take us on a long, strange, trip than Jeff Goldblum?