4 Other Versus Movies that Hollywood Needs to Make
It's Batman v. Superman week here at Film Dunce Files, which means we're going to be all up in the upcoming clash of the caped crusaders. Unfortunately, today I have a little bit of what I like to call "apathy sickness" and don't feel like being tremendously clever, or even mildly clever. So instead, I'm just going to be really stupid, and pitch the next "Versus" movies I want to see. Before you say, "Phil, literally none of these would ever work in any way shape or form" let me remind you that 21 Jump Street and Men in Black are joining forces. In olden days a glimpse of stockings was looked on as something shocking, but now heaven knows... anything goes. Actually, there's one rule: both movies have to be owned by the same company (so no Justice League v. Avengers). Without further adieu, let's get into this.
1. Jurassic and Furious
(or Jurassic World v. Fast and Furious)
Directed by James Wan
Starring: Chris Pratt, Dwayne Johnson, Bryce Dallas Howard, Vin Diesel, Michelle Rodriguez
Why:
These are two franchises that are now entirely based on spectacle. Whatever philosophical ideas the original Jurassic Park had are long gone. Whether you like it or not, after being the 2nd biggest movie of 2015, Jurassic World 2 isn't going to move back to any intellectual roots. As for Fast and the Furious, they face the challenge of "how the heck can we top the last one?" It's a tricky question, but the answer is clear: DINOSAURS.
Plot Synopsis:
After the events of Jurassic World, the island has been taken over by dinosaurs. Owen Grady (Chris Pratt) thinks it's best to leave it all alone, but Claire Dearing (Bryce Dallas Howard) has to get back to the island. She leaves without telling him, but gets stranded on the island and needs extraction. Owen, using the resources left to him by Simon Masrani (Irrfan Khan), hires the Fastest and most Furious team to aid him with the rescue. Dom (Vin Diesel), Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson), and Letty (Michelle Rodriguez) drop onto the island to save the day. But it turns out, the Indominus Rex wasn't the apex predator. Claire went to the island to stop the Ptera-Rex (a flying tyrannosaurus that's also a tank) from hatching.
Big Action Scene:
The Ptera-Rex is chasing Dom and Letty down a volcano, that's also erupting (because of course it is). Letty is firing the gatling gun out of the sun roof (because of course they have one) and Dom is steering the 2017 Muscle Car down a 70 degree incline (because that's how cars work). Unfortunately, the bullets are bouncing off the Ptera-Rexes shell (because it has a shell because it's part tortoise) and it's able to pick the car up by the bumper. All hope seems lost, until from the other side of the volcano a helicopter, piloted by Owen flies by, Claire is standing on the edge of the door with a rocket launcher and says, "Asset contained" then shoots the Ptera-rex while still wearing the same high heels from the first movie. It works, and the Ptera-rex drops the car from 200 feet above the ground, and everyone gets out safely.
Post-Credits Tease:
Claire and Owen have formed a new Dinosaur sanctuary. Ice Cube (O'Shea Jackson Jr) walks into the office and says "I heard you were looking for rappers". Claire and Owen look at each other confused, then back at Ice. "We actually need raptors, not rappers," Claire replies. Hobbs walks out from behind Owen and Claire. "We need both," he says. A title card drops. It reads: "Straight Out of Furious Raptors - December 2020"
2. Star Trek: The Wrath of MegaKhan
(or Star Trek v. Transformers)
Directed by Michael Bay
Starring: Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Zoe Saldana, Benedict Cumberbatch, Simon Pegg, John Cho
Why:
While fans of the original Star Trek series lament the less sociological, more "pew-pew" Star Trek reboot, the movies are doing infinitely better than the original. It seems that the angrier original fans get, the better the movie does. So if stupid action movies make them mad, it's only logical that the stupidest action movie would make the most money. As for Transformers, the films always suffer from insufferable human characters. Fix that with the undeniable chemistry of the Star Trek cast and we might have the first "good" Transformers movie.
Plot Synopsis:
Boldly going where no man has gone before, the Enterprise crew stumble upon a planet populated by sentient transforming machines. Peaceful negotiations begin, until Khan (Benedict Cumberbatch) who had been hiding out on the Enterprise, opens fire, framing the Federation for starting a war with the Transformers. This was all a plot orchestrated with the help of Megatron, who transferred his cybermatrix into the mainframe of Khan's interconciousness transmitter. In case that seems like too much mumbo jumbo, Megatron and Khan are psychically linked. Only Optimus and Kirk (Chris Pine) know who really started the war, and race against time to save the day.
Big Finale:
Megatron, as a spaceship, is chasing the Enterprise through space. Optimus Prime stands on top of the ship shooting missiles at Megatron, that miss, but still let off a fiery explosion in the middle of outer space. Inside the ship, Scotty explains The Enterprise's hyperdrive is offline, and they have to fight Megatron, and explosion interrupts his explanation because we didn't care about it any way. Outside, Megatron has landed on the Enterprise and things are exploding left and right. Optimus pulls out some obscure fan favorite weapon he's never used before and hits Megatron with it. He explodes, but he's fine. The weapon falls into space because it's only in the movie so it can be put in the trailer. Megatron, who is now a Tyrannosaurus like he was in Beast Wars, pins Optimus down. There's an explosion. Captain Kirk then uses the McGuffin and Megatron can't move. Then he explodes. Then the Hyperdrive is back online and they all leave.
Post-Credits Tease:
Mr. Sulu is training with his samurai swords, when there's a knock at the door. It's that horrible Samurai Transformer from Age of Extinction. He says something in English, but his accent is so offensively strong, there are subtitles. They read: "I've found someone who can challenge you in the martial arts." Sulu replies: "Impossible. There's no man as skilled as I am." Venus De Milo, the female Ninja Turtle that for some reason defying her amphibious origins had breasts, enters the room. "I am no man" she replies.
3. De4dpool 4: Wait, What Happened to 2 and 3?
(or Deadpool v. Fantastic Four)
Directed by Tim Miller
Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Kate Mara, Jamie Bell, Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Kiera Knightly
Why:
Listen up guys, I'm about to speak the truth. Deadpool doesn't need the X-Men. The X-men don't need Deadpool. But there is one franchise at Fox that needs some serious help; The Fantastic Four. In the same way a Deadpool movie rebooted the character of Deadpool after he was treated so terribly in Origins, a Deadpool movie can rebooted the Fantastic Four... or it would... if the movie weren't about Deadpool killing them. This movie will be Fox's last hurrah with the Fantastic Four before giving the rights back to Marvel, and it will do so by brutally murdering everyone.
Plot Synopsis:
Deadpool (Reynolds) and Vanessa (Morena Baccarin) are happy together, with Deadpool now a full-time vigilante and Vanessa teaching "stripperobics" at a retirement community. The only problem is, vigilante justice doesn't put chimichangas on the table. So Wade decides to find some contract work and get's some from Harvey Allen (Tim Blake Nelson), who needs him to take out some high-risk targets: The Fantastic Four. Harvey explains that the Four have not been a good investment for the government, but they're worried about what would happen if they just let them go. On his way to kill them, Cable (Keira Knightly) shows up via time travel from the future. Deadpool asks if she's there to stop him, and she says "No, I'm here to help."
Big Finale:
Deadpool and Cable are fighting all four members of the Fantastic Four at the same time. Mr. Fantastic uses his elasticity and genius level intellect to try and punch Deadpool. The Invisible Woman uses her invisibility to sneak up on Cable, and punch her. The Thing then uses his super-strength and indestructible rock body to punch Deadpool. The Human Torch, flies in, on fire, then punches Cable. Cable and Deadpool laugh about how pathetic the fighting is from the Fantastic Four, then Deadpool uses Mr. Fantastic's elasticity to put his head...somewhere he doesn't want it, throws popcorn at the Human Torch, covers the Invisible Woman in green paint, and throws a bunch of papers on the Thing (hoping paper beats rock (it doesn't)). Cable shoots everyone in the head except Deadpool. Roll credits.
Post-Credits Tease:
Deadpool and Vanessa are sitting in a bathtub full of money, a knock comes from the bathroom door. Vanessa puts a robe on and answers it. It's Harvey. Deadpool says, "I don't know if you can tell by the bathtub full of money, but we're doing just fine Harvey. Go back to being the Leader or whatever". Harvey throws a lighter into the bathtub, Deadpool scrambles to get out, and swats away the flames. "What, do you need me to kill another franchise?" He asks. "No, we need you to save one" Harvey replies. An alien bursts out of his chest. Title card: "Alien Vs. Predator Vs. Deadpool - July 2020"
4. Indiana Jones and the Hand of Felt
(or Indiana Jones v. The Muppets)
Directed by Steven Spielberg
Starring: Harrison Ford, Kermit the Frog
Why:
This is probably the weirdest one, right? Wrong. This is the one that makes the most sense of all. What went wrong with Spielberg and Lucas on Indy 4? It wasn't just that they decided to use CGI, but it was also because they were both at their best when they had help from The Henson Company. Plus, Harrison Ford is getting on in years, making action scenes tricky, and killing him off would feel like a rip-off of the Force Awakens. Now look at The Muppets, which went down in Most Wanted because they lacked a primary motivator for the characters. The Muppets always do well when they have something to do, so have them look for treasure in a race against Indiana Jones!
Plot Synopsis:
Late in the war, the Nazi Occult Science Division (yes there are Nazi's in this Muppet movie) discovered an ancient artifact: The Hand of Felt. It had the power to grant people immortality, but at the cost of turning them into Puppets. Decades later, Indiana Jones is attacked by a group of Muppet Nazis (yes there are Muppet Nazis) who think he has stolen the Hand of Felt. Naturally, Indy defeats them, and assumes the Muppets have something to do with it. The Muppets don't, but hear word of Indy's quest for the Hand of Felt, knowing it has the power to erase all Muppets from existence. Now the race is on for the most powerful object on planet earth.
Big Finale:
Muppet Hitler (yes, of course, there's a Muppet Hitler) has the Hand of Felt, and is going to use it to control all the Muppets, who he now believes are the master race, and kill all the humans. Indy, who throughout the movie learns not to be such a grump, distracts Muppet Hitler by singing "Whip It!" by Devo, while Kermit sneaks up from behind and steals the Hand. Kermit uses the Hand to turn Hitler back into a human, and release the muppets from his control. Indy then uses his whip to pull Hitler into the pit of snakes (oh my god, yes there's a pit of snakes) where he dies. Everyone learns a valuable lesson and sings "The Rainbow Connection", which because this movie takes place in 1980, wins the Oscar for Best Original Song, because it really should have.
Post-Credits Tease:
Dorothy wakes up in her bed, surrounded by her loved ones. "Wait a second, isn't this a Muppet/Indiana Jones movie?" she asks. "It is, but thanks to corporate synergy, it can also be a Wizard of Oz movie" Iron Man answers. "That's right, Tony," Buzz Lightyear says. "There are no conceivable limits to the amount of crossovers Disney is capable of making." Everyone turns to camera and stares blankly at the audience. The End.
