Marvel's Grand Conspiracy to Ruin DC (FILM DUNCE FILES INVESTIGATES)
With over 50 likes on the page in only one month of existence, it's clear to everyone that Film Dunce Files (and the Film Dunce Fans) are a force to be reckoned with. Which is why it shouldn't be a surprise that "the powers that be" have taken notice. Unfortunately for them, our journalistic integrity is too great to be compromised by their promise of "millions of dollars". Neigh. Instead, we will break this conspiracy wide open, right here, right now. Hold onto your butts.
The Email
On Wednesday at approximately 3:00 PM, I received an email, from an address I had never seen: Walt@Disney.com. It seemed suspicious, but I opened it up anyway. What was inside, some people may not believe. Posted below is the full email in it's entirety. I'm risking a lot by posting this so please, share this with your friends. Spread the word
. This is intense stuff.
SUBJECT: Join our conspiracy?
Dear Phil (of Film Dunce Files),
It's me, Disney. You know, Walt Disney? The founder of Disney? I'm sure you've heard of me. I'm writing you today because we here at Disney sure do love your articles. They're just great. We also have noticed that your blog has gained quite a lot of traction, with upwards of 50 likes on Facebook. Congratulations.
We were hoping we could buy your influence (because we're a very corrupt company) in order to ruin this pesky DCEU (Detective Comics Extended Universe) we keep hearing about. Apparently, Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice is just a perfect movie with no legitimate issues. Unfortunately, this would reflect poorly on our Marvel movies which are dreadfully entertaining affairs. As you well know, a movie with any sort of fun or enjoyment is an absolute artistic failure.
That's where you come in. We're offering you $1,000,000 dollars to write a negative review of the movie. Being that we are such a large (and corrupt) company, we've made this offer to several other critics as well, and can assure you they have complied. Nobody will single you out for being the only voice of opposition, even though the movie is undeniably flawless.
I know you don't want to compromise your integrity, but think about how much one million dollars could help your blog. You could have upwards of 70, or even 80 likes on Facebook. All you have to do is write some vague critique of the movie, citing only 3 or 4 specific flaws in something small like "story" or "characters".
Sincerely,
Walt Disney
The Aftermath
I had so many questions after reading that email. How could so many of my peers betray their readers like that? Why was Disney so desperate to make this movie tank? Why was the email written in that weird typewriter font? Did Disney change his default font to that so it would look more noire-esque? So I did what any good journalist would do, and went digging for answers.
The first thing that stood out to me was Disney's mention of "Marvel movies". Instantly, this stood out to me, because all I've heard about for the past 5 years is the DCEU and their impeccable reputation for producing objectively perfect films. Apparently, Disney has been ripping off DC's idea of a shared cinematic universe since before DC even had a shared cinematic universe. My mind was blown.
Furthermore, it looks like this isn't the first time Disney has been bribing journalists. These "Marvel movies" have overwhelmingly strong reviews from critics, despite my other sources. On a forum of DCFanBoys.net, users who had seen these obscure movies claimed they were "stupid" and "only worried about entertainment". Perhaps most disturbingly of all, one user, xXxDarkKnight92xXx, claimed "none of them even have Batman in them". Scathing reviews all around.
Clearly, Walt wants to stop people from seeing the vastly superior Zack Snyder films. Looking through his filmography, it's abundantly clear that Disney must have used their vast resources to see into the future, and know that Snyder would be the head of the DCEU. Where's the evidence? Bad reviews on almost all of his movies, with his highest reviewed being Dawn of the Dead. Fun Fact: Dawn of the Dead was written by future Marvel director James Gunn. Disney was torn there, and had to keep things mediocre to spare their future yes-man.
The Decision
I wrote back to Disney, here's what I said:
RE: Join our conspiracy?
Dear Mr. Disney,
First of all, love the font. Secondly, I'm sorry, but I have to decline your offer. Not on grounds of journalistic integrity as I have little integrity, journalistic or otherwise. Instead, I refuse to unfairly critique the movie in hopes that it is sincerely good. Not just for the future of the DCEU, but for the MCU as well.
Rivalry and competition are a good thing. It's why runners set records during the Olympics and not while they're practicing. A good Batman v. Superman means more pressure for Infinity War, the same way a good Civil War means more pressure for the Justice League.
Marvel and DC don't have to be mutually exclusives. Despite claims that one is "too dark" and the other is "too silly", both have clear examples of being dark and silly. Remember when Spider-man sells his soul to the Devil in exchange for bringing back his murdered aunt? That was pretty dark. Remember how Batman has a major foe that is obsessed with Alice in Wonderland, whose main objective is to steal Batman's hat? That's pretty silly.
Instead, I'm going to look at each movie objectively, whether it's DC, Marvel, or even Fox Marvel. Because that's what all 50 of my fans expect from me.
Thank you,
Phil
I wrote that response while waiting for Batman v. Superman to start. It made me feel good about myself. There's something to be said about forming your own opinion. Critics are not gods, to whom the public opinion must bend. Rather, they are guides, who can hopefully use their objectivity to accurately assess the best and worst parts of a movie. But after the movie ended, I really wished I had taken the money.
The Review
While I can objectively say there are about 15 minutes of the movie that are really, truly satisfying, I spent the other 90% of the movie just waiting for someone to care about. Everyone in that movie is one-note, and that one-note is the same for every character; bummer. With the exception of Lex Luthor, who is just running around doing things on a whim. There's never been a villain with less motivation than Lex Luthor in BvS, that I can guarantee.
I blame almost 0% of the flaws on the cast, as they performed the parts they were directed to play admirably. Instead this all comes down to a weak script from David Goyer and bad direction from Zack Snyder. Snyder is so obsessed with iconography that his films feel like string holding pieces of popcorn together. While the popcorn moments are delicious, you're forced to eat the string too.
Grade: C
